I want you to want me. I need you to need me. I’d love you to love me. I’m beggin’ you to beg me.I Want You To Want Me – Cheap Trick
A friend recently said to me during conversation, “don’t act like you still don’t love showing off”. It was a statement that took me off guard. I haven’t seen this friend since way before I quit drinking and guess what? I am no longer the person I was almost a year ago, not even close. “I genuinely like and love who I am now” I said. “I don’t need to show off to you or to anyone else in order to feel better about myself.” I said.
I am a naturally an affectionate person both physically and emotionally. I am more touchy feely than most people, I guess. And when I drink, my desire for attention goes into overdrive and I crave it. Maybe it’s because of the abandonment issues in my past, or maybe it’s another coping mechanism to deal with trauma, or maybe it’s because I’m a affectionate human being? But for whatever reason, I thought that my self worth was measured by the amount of attention I got from others, especially a significant other. Part of Josh’s “job” is to mingle with the people who come to see him play. But, if he was gone for too long, if he didn’t come over to see me first, or if I saw him talking to people I didn’t know, then I became a brat.
If he doesn’t come over here and give me a hug and a kiss before he talks to other people, then he doesn’t care that I’m here. Who are those people and why has he been talking to them for so long? Why doesn’t he introduce me to them? He must not want me to meet them. Why is he spending his break talking with everyone else instead of being over here with me? He doesn’t care. He doesn’t want me here. I am not important.
To compensate, I did one of three things:
- I physically clung to him causing him to become standoffish and uncomfortable which in turn proved to my delusional self that he didn’t love me.
- I got upset and would be flirtatious with someone else to make myself feel better.
- I was passive aggressive and unpleasant to be around because my happiness was more important than anything else.
Alcohol distorted my perception of how I felt about myself. It provided me with false sense of who I was, what I was worth, and how people should treat me. I was being immature, I seemed desperate, and I was lacking self-respect, self-esteem, and self confidence. Since getting sober, being brutally honest with myself, and doing a lot of introspective work – my confidence has skyrocketed. I don’t need the same validation as I did before to feel good about myself. I hold myself to a higher standard and I know what I deserve. There is no better feeling on earth than feeling confident and knowing that I don’t need alcohol in order to make me feel that way.