Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting. Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been clear. Here comes the sun. Here comes the sun, and I sayHere Comes The Sun – The Beatles
It’s all right.
Today. Sunday, September 1, 2019. 11 Months Sober. A year of sobriety is just around the corner. My plan for the Labor Day holiday is proving to be a success and I am truly feeling on top of the world. As I am writing this blog post, I am enjoying this beautiful summer day on the beach with my wonderful boyfriend and our amazing friends. I am listening to the roar of the waves crashing on the beach, Bob Seger’s Night Moves is playing on the radio, my nose is tingling from the smell of the salty air, and I can’t help but smile as the cool ocean breeze whirls around me. I am so lucky to be here. To be in this moment. I am happy.
I am such a sap! I’m getting emotional as I am writing this, my eyes are tearing up! But I can’t help but reflect on my life and where I am now. There have been so many moments in my life where I’ve wanted the world to stop, when I’ve felt so broken, so angry, and so tired of fighting. Life went from black and white to full on technicolor and with the volume turned up to 11. I’m reflecting on these past eleven months and I have never been more proud of myself. I choose to live this incredible life and I never ever have to go back into the darkness again. I never have to drink again. I never have to lie about it again. I never have to sneak drinks and cover my ass and deal with the shame, guilt, sadness, anger and frustration that stem from drinking ever again. I never have to be hung over or blacked out ever again. I never have to slur my words or stumble to the house ever again. I never have to worry about alcohol ruining anything for me ever again. I never have to go through that again. All of these thoughts really hit me last Sunday.
Josh does a three hour showcase on Sundays where he brings in a different special guest each week to perform and last week, the special guest was me. I made my singing debut with Josh on percussion and an incredibly talented and wonderful friend of ours played guitar. A year ago, I would have had a drink or two before to calm my nerves, a drink for the first set, another drink or two during the break, and another drink for the second set. But now? 100% sober. And guess what? It was fucking incredible. I had the best time, I had the support of loved ones, and I was completely and authentically me. People are still coming up to me a week later saying how much they enjoyed our show. Talk about a head rush. The coolest part about it all? The feeling of pure joy, pure happiness, and pure love that I felt during my 27th birthday (the first sober birthday I had since I was 18), the feeling I’ve been searching for ever since, is back with full force. It’s a feeling that has been slowly growing these past 11 months and a feeling that bursted at the seams last Sunday.
I am discovering something new about myself everyday. I am figuring out who I am and what I enjoy. I have a clear mind and an open heart. I’m no longer wasting the day hungover or wasting time drinking. Now, I’m getting wasted on a little thing called life! Cheesy? Yes! Do I care? Nope! Getting sober is the best, the most rewarding, the scariest, and the most exciting decision I’ve ever made for myself. The next milestone is 365 days – 365 DAYS!!! I have to remind myself every morning that this is not a dream. It is real and it is actually possible to be this happy. And the best part? It only goes up from here.