What a feeling, being’s believing.Flashdance…What a Feeling – Irene Cara
I can have it all, now I’m dancing for my life. Take your passion and make it happen. Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life.
I had my last drink sometime between midnight and 2am on October 1, 2018. It was also my last black out, my last alcohol fueled emotional breakdown, and my last hangover. It was the last time I woke up exhausted and irritated at myself because of drinking. It was the last time I felt I had to apologize to Josh for ruining the night even though he would never say that to me. It was the last time I had to ask questions because I didn’t remember what we did, when we got home, or where we went. It was the last time that I was the old me.
I can say with all of my heart, every single decision I’ve made this past year I’ve been proud of and each morning I awake with integrity and self-respect. It’s a wonderful feeling. I have made it through the deaths of close family/friends, my first (and hopefully only) car accident, every single holiday, a trip to NOLA, birthdays, weddings, parties, concerts, my first singing debut showcase, visits with friends, family drama, classes, homework, and final exams, the general ups and downs of everyday life, and running into JJ, all without a single drink.
I am 100% authentically me and that is truly something. I made a conscious decision to change my life for the better and to genuinely learn to love myself again. I can say with all honestly that I love myself and the life I am creating. At the end of the day, I go to sleep proud of and happy with who I am. My confidence has skyrocketed; my self-awareness is limitless. This milestone is truly unbelievable.
I could not have achieved this incredible milestone without the amazing support of my mom, Josh, Rose, all of my friends, my classmates, my online forum friends on Talking Sober, and everyone who reads my blog and follows me on Instgram. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your support and encouragement mean everything.
Josh – thank you for the love, laughter, joy and support you give me everyday. You truly make me happier than I ever thought I could be. I can’t imagine my life without you. I love you with all my heart. I wouldn’t change a single thing about our story – the good times are always amazing and the hard times bring us that much closer. You’re my favorite and I love you more. Cheers to the unlimited fun and many more good times ahead of us babe!
As ridiculous as this is about to sound, I can’t help but think of the movie Scrooged. Spoiler Alert to those who haven’t seen it, but you’ve had since 1988. By the end of the movie, Frank Cross played by Bill Murray, had several experiences with three ghosts that have transformed him from a mean, bitter, selfish, self-centered, unappreciative and ungrateful man into a man full of love, hope, and kindness. And although he is talking about the magical feeling and miracle of Christmas, the speech he gives at the end has always impacted me and it’s how I feel about being sober. He says:
“It can happen every day! You’ve just got to want that feeling! And if you like it and you want it, you’ll get greedy for it. You’ll want it everyday of you life and it can happen to you! I believe in it now. I believe it’s gonna happen to me, now. I’m ready for it! And it’s great. It’s a good feeling. It’s better than I’ve felt in a long time.”
I woke up October 1, 2018 and all I wanted was to be truly happy, to live my life freely and with joy. I wanted to find the fun in life without alcohol. I wanted to feel the genuine euphoria from life instead of the false happiness from alcohol. I wanted the confidence to express my desires and to go after what I wanted without liquid courage. I wanted to feel instead of numb. I wanted to be the best version of myself without limits. I wanted those feelings with all my heart, everyday, and I became greedy for them. And now that I have those feeling, I’ll be damned if I ever let them go. There is absolutely no better feeling in this world than finding true happiness and peace within yourself.
So, cheers to the first year of this phenomenal rollercoaster ride and cheers to all the rest!